Papoe

Baby books are so last year. This year it's all papoe all the time.

Just before Jocelyn was born I bought a baby book—a hardbound book adorned with zoo animals on the front and pre-decorated pages that would allow me to insert pictures or precious mementos. I think it’s gathering dust somewhere on one of our many bookshelves. Pressed for time between swollen breasts, cleaning bottles, and a lack of suitable naps, I began scribbling small notes around the house or on the computer about various milestones: rolling over, sitting up, throwing up, and standing up.

When Aja was born we were unprepared, and the thought of buying a baby book didn’t even cross my mind. The hospital suggested using the website CaringBridge to update friends and family. I noted her weight, when she was taken off the respirator, the first time I was able to hold her and breastfeed her. She came home and I started scribbling small notes about various milestones: turning her head to the left, opening her clenched hands, and rolling over. That is, until I found a better way of doing things.

There’s no designated space in a baby book to write about the days that being a mother make me want to rip my hair out and run out of the house screaming for more wine. There’s no space to write about the great days, where I can sit and watch my girls play and bicker and laugh and scream at one another. There’s no space to talk about the hours spent combing out Jocelyn’s curly hair so that I can braid it, or the physical therapy appointments designed to help motivate Aja to roll, to sit, and to stand.

There have been surprising moments with each of our girls. I have watched them both grow from two small beings that think every black man is their father into girls that are absolutely bonded to their daddy. They each share my stubborn gene, but it manifests itself in different ways. Jocelyn doesn’t listen, and Aja refuses to let anything stand in her way once she sets her mind to something (even if it means trying to dive off the couch). They are happy so often that it’s off-putting when they are not—Jocelyn has my cackle, which celebrates everything that is remotely funny; Aja displays her humor in grunts and snorts while bouncing around wildly.

Khary and I will soon celebrate our third wedding anniversary. We never could have imagined the life that we have now. Family came sooner than we had expected. But it’s our family—our loud, screaming, happy, clapping, marching, dancing, singing family.

This is my 100^th post. I’m celebrating with some wine, some greasy food, some baseball, and some family. It’s also what I would call a typical Friday night.

A muppet for hair's sake

We can certainly relate...

One more reason we love Sesame Street.

I went to Bloggy Boot Camp and all I got was this lousy t-shirt that says BACON

Okay so Bloggy Boot Camp was far from lousy, but one of the first things we learned was that if you want people to find you by doing a Google search, write about bacon.  I recently taught myself one of these little SEO tricks, albeit unintentionally. My post Il bel far niente got over 25 hits in the week following the release of the movie Eat, Pray, Love (and the hits keep coming). Yet no one has commented, so I have to assume they saw my blog listed and first thought, “this is EXACTLY what I’m looking for,” and then they read it and thought, “this form of enlightenment kind of sucks,” and they moved on. As much as I like bacon, I don’t think I’ll start posting bacon recipes.

The speakers were great, and there were a lot of tips that I can put in my bloggy briefcase and save for a later date. Julie’s session on security, and Linsey’s session on legal issues were worth the ticket price to get into this shindig. And then I was so very happy to have the last speaker of the day, Kristy, stand up and say that she was going to talk about writing. Hello! WRITING. I was so impressed that I threw away my shy girl hat and went up to talk to her and thank her. And I hadn’t even had my bloody mary yet. (I had a serious craving all day. How often do I get to be away from my kids for an entire day??)

The day got me thinking about what it is that I do. When people asked what I blog about, the easiest way to sum it up is that I have a Mommy Blog. My business card says it’s a mixed baby blog. This works too. I have babies, and they are mixed. One of them was a preemie. But that is not all my babies are, and it is not all that my blog is about. I write about my life, and since most of my day is spent wiping noses and butts, it’s pretty safe to say that Mommy Blog is a good definition of papoe. I just hope that it is a definition that can grow with me as I grow up and out of my kids (or they grow up, whichever comes first).

I will say that I got a good laugh after handing Marla my card. She was sitting across the table and a session was about to start. She looked at the card and said, “Oh! We should all be mixed!” and made a motion like she was stirring a spoon in a bowl. Awesome.

Tiffany did an amazing job as emcee. The speakers were great, but she really added something special (other than her prettiness) to the whole day. Next time she should run a session all on her own.

Clap once if you can hear me.

The best part was coming home to sleeping babies. And being away, even for a short time, makes these moments even more special.

Notice she’s wearing my BBC badge. Future blogger…

10 Questions with… Mixed Mama Project

One of the first people I connected with in the land of blogs was Erin from Mixed Mama Project. I’ve mentioned her a few times—most recently, I wrote a guest blog for her called Colorful moments are mixed with love and baby girls. Erin is going to give birth in the next few weeks, and she will soon be the forever-owner of a mixed baby girl. As the blessed event nears, I thought it would be nice to ask her a few questions about what’s going through her ever-expanding-bellied brain, and hopefully encourage you moms out there to deliver your own motherly advice. And by advice, I mean anything and everything—not only in direct response to the questions I asked. Think back to those last few weeks before the birth of your little boy or girl, and how the thing you knew for sure was that you knew NOTHING. In truth, we figure out a lot through trial and error, but good advice is the best preparation for the unknown.

1.    What are you most excited about?
I think I am most excited about meeting my baby girl. These past eight months I have imagined and re-imagined what she will be like and what she will look like over and over again. It will be nice to finally put a face to her name (and all those squirmy, Men In Black-esque movements).

2.    What are you most scared of?
Um, everything! My baby experience is severely lacking. I will probably break her. I'll drop her, for sure. I just hope I don't cause her to need therapy too early on in life. But in all seriousness, I am concerned about PPD. I've had a history of depression so I am at an increased risk for it. That's one thing I think about quite a bit and sometimes it keeps me up at night.

3.    What kind of mom do you think you’ll be? Crunchy? Helicopter? Know-it-all?
I don't think I'll fit into one category.  I've read some books (ok, so a few pages of a few books) and I see positives and negatives to each parenting style, so I will probably pick and choose and adapt them to my own needs. I'll be a learn-as-you-go mom, though, for sure.

4.    Are you going to wear your baby?
I definitely want to try. I've kind of been apprehensive to say I will ABSOLUTELY do something because I know things, especially when dealing with babies, don't always go as planned. So we have a big fancy stroller and a carrier as well. On a semi-side note, I really can't see Alik baby wearing, but he did ask if he could carry the baby around in a basket. Then he showed me the basket he liked and it was a wicker basket. No, sorry, you cannot carry her around in a basket: our baby is not an Easter egg.

5.    When your daughter is 10, you can look back and think, “I did okay.” What did you do okay?
Well, one of our main concerns that we are talking about already is how to educate her about her race and ethnicity. With her being biracial, I want to be open about it, but I don't want to have race constantly lingering in the air and pushed in her face. If we can teach her about it and properly equip her with the knowledge of how to handle anyone who gives her problems about it, I think we did okay. And if she can't do that on her own, Alik has already made it clear that he's not afraid to use a shotgun on anyone who messes with his daughter.

6.    What do you hope will she inherit from you?
Physically? The color of my eyes and—I won't even lie—my hair. I don't want to be responsible for my daughter looking like a hot mess because I don't know how to handle her hair. I hope she also inherits my passion; when I am passionate about something I won't let anything stand in my way.

7.    From Alik?
Physically, she could have the shape of his eyes, his lips, and his metabolism. Personality? Um, well, clearly his ability to pick a life partner is a strong suit...

8.    Have you and Alik talked about race (raising a mixed baby)?
Yes, as I previously mentioned. We want to be sure she knows and appreciates all sides of her culture. I'm basically a white mutt, but Alik has a more exciting background. He is Black, Jamaican, and German. There is a lot of culture there to love.

9.    What do you MOST want advice about? Birth? The first month? The first year? The first twenty?
Um, yeah...how about life in general? I'm actually not stressing about labor and delivery (maybe I should be?) but I am stressing about how to heck I am going to take care of a newborn without breaking her or causing some serious damage.

10.    What do you want her to be when she grows up?
I want her to be happy! Corny, but true. I know how it feels to be UNhappy, so my greatest hope for her is that she doesn't ever have to know that feeling.


My advice is pretty simple: try not to be a “perfect mother” because you will always fall short of a perceived notion of perfect. It’s a struggle, and some days are really hard, especially in the beginning. But the smiles you get, and the love you feel from your daughter will make up for any rough patches. In terms of race, I think that you and Alik are well prepared to meet any potential challenges that might come up. The fact that you’ve had these discussions now will only benefit her down the line.

In the years before having a baby I swore I would not be that white mom, the one that let her daughter’s hair get a mind of its own. And then one day I realized that my daughter’s hair was calling the shots and handing out instructions. My new best friend: Mixed Chicks leave-in conditioner. And if it starts to get thick and curl, do not use baby shampoo! It’s worthless. I use my own shampoo and conditioner. The difference is AMAZING.

Your turn: share your wisdom, your fuck-ups, your almost-good moments. And then visit Erin’s blog. She’ll be happy you stopped by, especially if you bring potato salad.

Mixed mama love

I have a guest post today over at Mixed Mama Project. Erin is one of my favorite people in the blog world and when she asked for guest writers I jumped at the chance. She will soon be birthing her own mixed baby, so I wrote a little diddy called Colorful moments are mixed with love and baby girls, about my mixed baby love. Go check it out.